Dissident (The Bellator Saga Book 1) Page 9
“So you’re not one for surprises?”
“No, they’re all right. Even though, oddly enough, I don’t like being the center of attention.”
“I noticed. But what if it was only one person paying attention to you?”
“That would probably be okay.”
“Then why not start dating again?”
“It doesn’t feel right, not yet. Maybe with the right man.”
“Maybe.”
“I do miss sex.” Caroline laughed uneasily. Where had that come from? “I’m sorry, that was rather blunt.”
“I bet there are more than a few men in Washington who could help you address that issue. And none of them are named Jeffrey Murdock.” Jack tried not to smirk.
This time, Caroline did roll her eyes. “Don’t be a douche.”
“I’m serious,” he insisted. “You’re well liked for more than your personality.”
“I’d rather not think about it. Bunch of dirty old men.”
“I wouldn’t necessarily say that,” Jack said.
Caroline and Nicky had slept together the night before he died. She’d used her marginal seduction skills to coax him into it. It hadn’t lasted all that long, just run of the mill, routine marital sex.
“People never really think about the last time they’re going to have sex with someone,” she said. “The last time they’re going to kiss them goodbye. The last time they’ll hear the other person’s voice. We take our relationships, our spouses, our partners for granted until one day, poof, it’s over. Maybe we’d all be a little better off if we lived each day as if it might be the last.”
“That would be exhausting,” Jack said. “No one could do that without driving themselves insane.”
“It might be fun to try.”
“That’s because you’re crazy.”
“Probably.”
“But in a good way.”
Caroline grinned. “I guess the point of what I was saying is that yes, I really miss sex. Among the other joys of being in a committed relationship. But also the sex.”
Jack eyed her again, but he no longer looked thoughtful. There was something else there, something she couldn’t put her finger on.
“Do you find other ways to…seek pleasure?” he asked.
Caroline should have been mortified by such an intrusive question. She knew exactly what he was getting at, even though he was trying to be subtle. And she wasn’t embarrassed at all. Even though she was blushing. A little.
“I, um, take care of myself,” she said.
He gave her an obnoxious grin. “That’s all well and good, but it’s always more enjoyable when there’s someone else in the room.”
Her discomfort faded. Jack could be pretty unintentionally cute sometimes. “That’s definitely true. Are you saying I should give those dirty old men a chance?”
“Maybe.” He patted her leg affectionately. “When you’re ready.”
Caroline twirled her engagement ring, her mood changing. She still did that sometimes – go from laughter one minute to pain the next. Especially when she thought about her husband or of the very strong likelihood that she would spend the rest of her life alone.
“I took advantage of my marriage,” she said. “I assumed it would always be there waiting for me. That Nicky would always be there. That everything would stay the same while it continued to change. But I took everything he gave me for granted. His capability as a father, his constant love and affection, his support. I was with him for so long that I never thought that anything could ruin what we had. I finally arrived at that safe and secure place I always wanted and I forgot how lucky I was to have it. And then it was gone. All of it.”
Jack was watching her solicitously, the grin long since vanished. He reached over and squeezed her hand, and she knew he didn’t know what to say.
“I’m sorry.” Caroline rubbed her hands together. “I didn’t mean to go on like that.”
“I sense you took it for granted less than you think,” he said. “And it’s not all gone. You have two beautiful children, and from what I can tell they are very much like both of their parents.”
“Sometimes I think all I ever do is talk to you about how much I miss Nicholas. How much I miss my old life.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that. You’ve had a lot to process over the past year. A friend of mine who’s a psychologist told me once that friendship, love, any sort of relationship is like a diamond. When you’re trying to consider or examine it, you can’t see the entire thing. You can’t view every single angle, every cut, every aspect of it at once. All you have to do is turn it to see a part of it you’d never noticed before. It’s impossible to deal with it all at the same time.”
“You think that’s what I’ve been doing?”
“You are a very giving, loving woman. There is no doubt in my mind that you were deeply in love with your husband. Unless he was a complete idiot he felt the same way about you.”
Caroline cleared her throat. “I did love him, very much. I still do. Nicky was a wonderful man. I wish you could have known him.”
“I do too,” Jack said. “I think I would have liked him, even if he didn’t like me.”
“He would have liked you.”
“I don’t know about that. I’m not sure I’m nearly as reliable and stable as he was.”
“Doesn’t mean you wouldn’t have gotten along. Nicky loved everyone he met with very few exceptions. It was one of the best things about him.” She turned to Jack, tears welling up in her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she sniffled. “I don’t mean to get emotional on you.”
He put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “There’s no proper timeline for grief, Caroline. When my parents died, it took me a long time to work through it. I still have days where I remember what it was like to try to manage those feelings, and it brings it all back up again. But I still have my brother.” He grinned. “Even if we barely speak.”
“Maybe you should reach out to him,” Caroline suggested. “I always wished I had a sibling. Once your family is gone you can’t get them back. I handled Nicky’s death so much more poorly than I did when my parents passed away. What upsets me more than anything is how I felt right after it happened. I think back on that and I wish I’d done things differently. I totally abandoned my children while I retreated inside myself for the first couple of days. Thank God for Chrissy and Tom, Jenny and Katie. If my friends hadn’t been around me, I might have completely lost it.”
“You’re too strong to fall apart. I think you know that, even if you can’t admit it out loud.”
Caroline patted Jack’s knee. “I feel like I’ve known you much longer than I have. You’ve done so much for me these last few months. You know that, don’t you?” She laughed. “Oh my God, you’re blushing.”
“I am not.”
“You are. I thought you were far too egotistical for that.”
“Egotistical?” Jack asked, sounding insulted. “Not in the least. I’ve just been spending too much time with you.”
“I see the chink in your armor. Deep down inside you’re a pushover, I know it. You’re not an asshole at all.”
“Douchebag with a heart of gold?”
“Pretty much. I know who you really are. You’re not fooling me.”
“Oh, I’ve convinced a great many people that I’m an asshole. Do your research.”
“I have,” Caroline said. “And I don’t believe a word of it.”
Jack’s mood changed quickly. “Well, you should,” he snapped. “Because almost everything you’ll read about me, how I made my money, how I’ve used people, how I’ve done all the things that have been deemed successes…everything you’ll read is the truth. Every accomplishment I’ve ever had is because I’ve treated people like shit in order to achieve it.”
She opened her mouth to speak, then saw the irritated look on his face and stopped.
He waved his hand at her. “Don’t, Caroline. You know how I made my first million?
I bought up a small struggling company, laid off all its workers, and sold it to a giant conglomerate that treated their existing employees like shit. No benefits, barely any vacation, long hours – the worst stereotype of the worst corporation you can imagine. And I did it over and over, scores of times, and never lost a minute of sleep over it. Once you do it the first time it’s very easy to do it again. Do you know how many people I’ve hurt so that I could live in the manner I desired? How much do you really know about me, about the kind of man I truly am? I’m not a good person and you know it.”
“That’s an inexcusable thing to say about yourself,” Caroline said. “And I know enough about the media to know that very little of what they say is accurate.”
“In my case, it is.”
She took his hand. “You are not a bad person.”
“I am.” He pulled away from her. “Everything I’ve done in my life has been for my benefit alone. I am egotistical. I’m incredibly self-centered. I have no regard for anyone other than myself.”
“What about what you’ve done for me the past few months?” Caroline asked him. “Do you know what last year was like for me? Ask Christine, Jenny, Katie, Ellen, anyone. They’ll tell you. My behavior was abysmal. I yelled all the time, tried to push everyone away, tried to do anything to forget what it was like to love people, to feel anything, to get attached to anyone. I said a number of regrettable things to my own children, things I can never take back. And you know from personal experience that I treated people I didn’t know, such as certain Republican candidates, with incredible disdain and disrespect.”
Her voice caught. “Then I met you. And the sun started shining again. My life had been so cloudy and bleak. I thought I’d never be able to feel happy. I’d almost forgotten what it was like to be anything other than miserable. But you make me laugh. You let me burden you with my troubles. Every day you listen to me and never once complain about it. You’ve done so much for me, Jack.”
“How do you know I’m not doing all of this for my own selfish wants and needs?”
“Because you aren’t. I trust you. And your friendship. I don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t have you in my life.” Caroline squeezed Jack’s hand. “I can get up in the morning and not dread the day. I enjoy going to work. I crack silly jokes again. And I look forward to seeing you, wondering what kind of story you’re going to tell me or what new topic you want to discuss. You’re a good man. I refuse to think otherwise.”
“You’re wrong,” he said.
“I’m not. Maybe you don’t believe it because you’ve internalized all the foul comments that people have made about you.”
“I can’t take back all the rotten things I’ve done.”
“If you think they were that bad, you can remedy them. Anything is possible. You can always move forward.”
“I don’t know how to be anything other than ruthless.”
“Of course you do. You’re not that way with me.”
“I might act that way, eventually. Do you want to take that chance?”
“I do. I want to help you understand who you truly are. You can’t see the impact you’ve had on me, but it’s been profound. And I want to thank you. Thank you for giving me my life back. Thank you for your warmth and companionship. Thank you for being who I know you truly are.” She looked down at her lap. “Thank you,” she said softly.
“You’re a remarkable woman. I’m grateful for every minute I spend with you.” Jack cupped her face in his hands. “And I’m flattered that you consider me worthy of your friendship.”
“I’m very glad you found me at that party,” Caroline whispered.
“So am I,” Jack said. “Best decision I ever made.”
Caroline looked away from him. The way his eyes were exploring her…she couldn’t stand it. It was too soon for her to feel this way, for her to let anyone in. Maybe she shouldn’t have said those things to him.
“Sweetheart, you’re trembling.” He stroked her cheek and she turned back to face him. “It’s all right. Don’t be afraid.”
He’d called her “sweetheart.” Why had he done that?
Jack held her gaze and started to bring his lips closer to hers. Caroline knew what was going to happen and turned her head to the side. She squeezed her eyes shut again as he withdrew from her.
“It’s late.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “I think you should go.”
“Caroline-”
“It’s okay,” she said. “I’m just tired.”
She heard a small sigh and turned to look at him. He appeared to be incredibly disappointed.
“I apologize.” He stood up. “I shouldn’t have done that. I’ll show myself out.”
Caroline tried to compose herself as he started to walk away. “Wait.” She got up off the couch, meeting him at the foot of the stairs. She took his hand. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I-”
Jack pulled his hand away from hers. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I understand.”
“You’re a good friend. I don’t-”
“Caroline, stop. It’s fine.” He started walking up toward the first floor.
“Jack, please. Wait.”
He turned around as she tried to catch up with him. “I mean it. You don’t have to say anything. I’m here for you, no matter what.” His eyes were distant. “As your friend and colleague. That’s it.”
Caroline looked down at the unfinished wood on the stairs. One of the many projects she let fall through the cracks after Nicky died. She felt another pang of regret thinking about him. About what had almost happened with Jack. But she wasn’t going to let it trouble her. She misinterpreted Jack’s signals. That was all.
“Okay,” she whispered. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Chapter Eight
Caroline
May
Friday nights were reserved for family. Always. Caroline wanted to spend a quiet evening alone with her children but when they asked if Jack could come over, she wasn’t about to disappoint them. Things had been awkward between the two of them but they’d still seen each other almost every day, acting as if their almost kiss had never taken place.
Maybe that was for the best. Caroline enjoyed having Jack in her life. She didn’t want to lose him as a friend. And even though it had been uncomfortable asking him to stop by, he seemed more than happy to do it, especially since Caroline let it slip that Christine would already be back in Philadelphia for the weekend.
Caroline loved her Fridays because she was able to leave work early and spend a little more quality time with the girls before she had to start making constituent events the next morning. Mo and Feef were usually willing to come along with her but never acted all that thrilled to do it, so Caroline had arranged for their regular afterschool babysitter to hang out with them for most of the weekend while she schlepped herself across her district.
But tonight belonged to them. Jack cooked for them again, whipping up a chicken parmigiana dish. Marguerite, Sophie, and Caroline threw together the dessert. The four of them then played a rather animated game of Monopoly before Mo and Feef went off to bed. Sophie again insisted that Jack read her a story and gave him a big hug when he left the room. Marguerite didn’t need any tucking in but still told Jack how nice it was to have him over.
Caroline wasn’t quite sure how the two of them ended up in the basement again; she was afraid that the extra floor in between them and the children would mean that something else, something unpredictable, would happen. But she knew it was all in her head.
“My girls really like you,” she told Jack.
“I know,” he said. “I don’t get it.”
“They’re good judges of character. They’ve never been wrong.”
“I’m sure they’ve been wrong once or twice.”
“Nope.”
“I like them too,” Jack said. “Very, very much. Mostly because they remind me of you.”
“They’re also their own little people.”
“They like having normal people around.”
Jack chuckled. “I’m far from that.”
“You treat them like kids but you don’t condescend to them. They appreciate that.”
He smiled at her. “Marguerite and I had a very spirited, advanced discussion on The Wealth of Nations before we started playing Monopoly. She’s quite intelligent. But I suspect you know that.”
“What was your first clue?” Caroline asked.
“Oh, I think the fact that she beat a woman with a law degree and a man with an MBA at a game of cunning and strategy was pretty telling. And a kid her age shouldn’t know nearly as much as she does about complicated economic concepts.”
“Did you two really talk about Adam Smith?”
“Yes.”
“I can’t even hold a conversation about that kind of crap without feeling like a troglodyte,” Caroline said. “She must have studied up online or at the library, because I don’t have any books like that in the house.”
“That’s because you’re a bleeding heart.” Jack grinned. “Not a troglodyte.”
“I just have other boring interests, like philosophy and sociology. Ask Mo about Carl Jung or Alexis de Tocqueville the next time you come over.”
“I will.” He shook his head. “She’s only eleven.”
“She is smart,” Caroline said. “Incredibly smart. She tests much better than I did at her age, and I did extremely well. Sometimes it’s hard to keep up with her when she gets on a tear but she’s careful only to do it with people she knows won’t be put off by it.”
“Sophie can hold her own, too.”
Caroline’s sensitive youngest child tried her best, but was often overshadowed by her big sister. “Indeed she can, but she’s less forward about it. It’s harder for her since Mo is so far ahead of where she is.”
“They seem to get along pretty well.”
She wondered how long that phase was going to last. “Their father’s influence.”
Jack squeezed her hand. “I’ve seen the way they interact with you. It wasn’t all him.”